Featured Image: “One with The Ghosts”, 2021 – Catharsis on Camera

How did you first get started in self-portrait photography? Is it something you have always wanted to do?

I first got started in self-portrait photography after a self-portrait photographer/life model and former friend of mine inspired and encouraged me to get into that medium after he and I connected on Tumblr years ago. Self-portrait photography wasn’t something I’ve always wanted to do as I didn’t always like to see myself in photos outside of smartphone and digital camera mirror selfies I’ve taken in the past and shared on one of my previous Tumblr blogs. However, my former friend kindly and gently convinced me to try self-portrait photography, and because of this, I’ve been doing this as a hobby I’ve been partaking in and still do on and off since 2016.

Which part of self-portrait photography do you find the most enjoyable, and which do you find the hardest?

The part of self-portrait photography I find the most enjoyable would be when this creative energy flows into me, leading me to take sets of self-portraits- some photos I know for sure I can edit and post on social media and some that I either barely touch or don’t touch at all. As for the hardest part of self-portrait photography, it would be my trying to figure out how I can edit images that can be difficult for me to work with, especially those where I find myself feeling self-conscious about how I look in certain images.

Where do you find your inspirations for your self-portrait photos?

I find my inspirations for my self-portrait photos from various sources- images I’ll see on social media, exhibitions in art galleries and museums I’ve stepped foot in, and films, music, and quotes from writers that figuratively touch my soul and challenge my preconceived notions on how I see and perceive the connections I have with myself, the people I’ve interacted with on social media and in real life, and the world in its entirety. 

If you were to undertake your perfect photo shoot without restrictions, can you tell me what you would do? 

I would definitely do a photo shoot in a forest where I’m surrounded by towering redwood trees and small bodies of water that sets the mood for a self-portrait photography series where I’m posing in front of the camera and I’m in nature. Also, I’m either partially clothed or nude as I pose and I get so into the photoshoot that I find myself not getting too concerned if people watch me make self-portraits or not.

Which camera/phone do you use to take your photos, and how do you edit them?

For my most recent self-portraits, I used a Sony A7III (my now go-to camera), with either the 28-70mm kit lens that came with the camera when I bought it months ago, or the 50mm lens, to take them. For the self-portraits I’ve shot from 2016 to 2021, I’ve used a couple of iPhones (my current one being the 13 Pro), along with a Canon EOS Rebel T6i (a camera I started with in the beginning of my self-portrait photography journey) and Fujifilm’s X-E3 and X-T2 mirrorless cameras. As for apps/programs I’ll use to edit my photos, I don’t just utilize Photoshop and Lightroom as I also use Snapseed to edit my images, including those that either have double or multiple exposures, if I haven’t used any of my Fujis to do in-camera double exposure self-portraits. I don’t do a ton of retouching on my images, by the way, as I’d like to highlight all of the imperfections on my body. 

In your opinion, what makes a good photograph? How do you decide when something you create meets or exceeds your expectations?

A good photograph to me is something that isn’t just well-composed in camera and well-edited, but also, it is something that evokes a multitude of emotions I’ll feel when I see it. It also allows me to figuratively see an artist’s heart and soul in a self-portrait or in an image they’ve taken of a subject they’ve worked with. When it comes to my self-portrait photography, if something I’ve created is something that I truly feel I can edit and post on social media without my expecting to get a multitude of likes, comments, reblogs, etc., then I know for sure that it either meets or exceeds my own expectations, which solely consists of me expecting that any of the images I’ve made will reflect who I am as an artist and as a human. 

Is there any advice you would give someone wanting to start self-portrait photography?

I highly recommend that they connect with self-portraiture artists whom they’ve been following on social media and find those artists to be worth seeking inspiration, encouragement, and support from. From there, they can interact with those artists and ask them if they’d be willing to follow them on their self-portrait photography journey by means of submitting their photos to them via DMing them (in a kind and respectful manner, of course). and ask if they can provide some sort of constructive criticism on their images. Additionally, those artists might not stay on the aspiring self-portrait photographer’s journey, so if they end up leaving at some point, regardless of whether they end up drifting away or break their connections with each other after they have a falling out, the aspiring self-portrait photographer can allow themselves to grieve over the lost connections they’ve had with the artists whom they’ve looked up to and made attempts at having a long-lasting friendship and mentorship with them, while simultaneously doing the best they can to move forward and allow a crop of new faces who’ll be their friends/mentors who can provide the support, guidance, inspiration, and encouragement that the artists who’ve left have provided when they were connected with them. It might be easier said than done (and I say this because I’ve struggled in letting go of former friends and those who’ve also mentored me), yet people who have been with us in the beginning of our artistic endeavours won’t always stay with us and they have every right to exit out of their connections with us if they don’t feel safe, comfortable, respected, and appreciated by the people whom they can no longer continuously befriend with. They also have every right to re-enter our lives and reignite the connections that have fizzled out between them and us (if they would like to, of course). 

Also, they can pick up a DSLR or mirrorless camera they can obtain that’s user-friendly to beginners (like Canon’s Rebel line), and learn how to shoot and compose images in the camera’s manual mode and in .RAW file format, edit those images in whatever photo editing program they choose to use, and not expect to be popular on the social media platforms they’ll post their images overnight.

Lastly, the aspiring self-portrait photographer must approach how they are making portraits and sharing them by delving deep into their thoughts and images before, during, and after they set the camera up, take as many images as they can, upload them on a phone, computer, whatever, edit them, and post them on social media. This can be done by them allowing themselves to tap into their vulnerability, and from there, they can examine themselves and what they can put into these narratives that the images will display about them, what they’ve been hiding after they’ve been wearing these invisible masks that conceal their most authentic selves, and what they can contribute to the communities they are finding some sort of belonging in. Even if they find themselves not having the opportunities to truly seek that belonging in existing communities for self-portrait photographers, they’re expressing their authenticity in their art and if they’re able to communicate what they’ve struggled to say in, say, verbal exchanges with people they’ll converse with, and in writing, they’ve already achieved to bring themselves into a medium where it’s not always going to be safe and comfortable for them to present themselves in photos as they’ll find themselves getting out of their designated comfort zones when they are making images that might not be deemed for society as a whole to see. 

Do you think social media sites restrict content creators or push them to be more creative in finding different ways to express themselves?

I personally think social media sites, like Instagram, can be restrictive to content creators, yet they can provide opportunities for them to find different ways to express themselves while doing as much as they can to adhere to the social media site’s community guidelines. The self-portrait photographers I truly respect and connect with are those that acknowledge AND accept that sites, such as Instagram, have vaguely-worded and confusing community guidelines they’ve been doing the best they can to follow, yet it can be frustrating to follow what those sites want them to follow to a T. Despite that, they somehow adapt by determining how they can censor whatever photos they’ll post on Instagram and simultaneously find other sites where they can post their uncensored content, if they feel inclined to build their presence and following on Twitter, Tumblr, Patreon, Gumroad, and wherever else they’d like to be active in. 

If you could wish for three things to come true, what would they be and why?

I’d wish I can have more opportunities to meet artists I’ve been connecting with to do in-person photoshoots/collaborations with, do more projects where I can swap images with another self-portrait photographer and they and I can edit each other’s images and post them on Instagram, and travel around the U.S. and the world where I’m not just doing self-portrait photography projects, but I’m also doing street and landscape photography in Paris, Zurich, Berlin, London, Tokyo, Seoul, Hong Kong, Manila, Da Nang, wherever. 

Any goals that you want to achieve in the next 2 years?

You know, I might not really know if I’ll keep dabbling in self-portrait photography in the next two years, yet I’d like to achieve my goals in continuously making and sharing self-portraits on Instagram and Tumblr despite my being busy working full-time, connecting with more photographers as well as artists who draw and paint their subjects, and keep evolving as I’m in the current iteration of myself- one that’ll keep being kind, respectful, and supporting of artists who enjoy following and connecting with people like myself, yet they need their precious time to return to themselves by means of resting, recharging, and creating their own works before they have the mental and emotional capacity to interact with others again. 

I would also like to set and achieve goals associated with my needing to make a conscientious effort to engage in self-care practices. As much as I love to be on Instagram and other social media platforms, my energy can be drained if I don’t carve out time for me to figuratively pour whatever I’ve been filling in other artists’ cups into my own cup. In other words, I’d like to be more mindfully aware of the time and energy I give to other artists in case I haven’t had the chance to take care of myself and my emotional needs after I’ve spent so much time immersing myself in their works and the conversations I’ve had with them. I find that if I take more breaks/hiatuses from social media, then I’ll feel less energetically drained. I also want to add that I can feel depressed and disengaged with the digital world if I see nothing but negating content on any of my social media feeds, so it’s important for me to step out of social media and step into the real world if I experience nothing but doom and gloom in the images, words, and videos that populate all of my social media feeds. 

When did you first start your Instagram page, and what was its reason?

I remember vividly the first official date of Ciaobella’s birth, February 1st, 2021. It was so significant to me because it’s the only ‘female’ month in the year (in Croatian) but was 3 months in the making, so since Samhain of 2020, through close friends’ stories on my regular profile, I started to express through sensual photography of myself to start getting a dimension of many feels and desires swirling in my head. I’m gonna try and do my best to summarise the reason for it, so here is the rough deal; Ciaobella rose from the ashes of a few years-long internet affair which I had abruptly ended by my husband’s confrontation of it. That was actually such a blessing in disguise because I was very much so outgrowing the faults for being in an affair; I just couldn’t unglue myself out of it. That was such a turning point for both of us, the catharsis of our marriage that showed such growth, love, support and trust that month after that was revealed. My husband fully supported my participation in one local sensual page with my images. I realised my reasons for the affair as a thrill of validation that I lacked within myself. Images that I shared were my first artistic look at myself, through which I started to develop actual love of self. I never considered myself sensual; for many years, I lacked the desire for intimacy, which really devastated my dotting husband. He adored me from day one and always complimented me, but it was of no use when I myself didn’t feel remotely so from within. So the reason to start this Instagram page was to discover, or rather uncover, the sensuality within me that brought appreciation and love for this now 48 year old mom of 3 body.

Do you remember your first post, and what was it of? 

I most certainly remember my first post, veiled in my now famous red spilling-into-pale-pink scarf, as if dreaming, greeting all who gave me wind beneath my wings until then through close-friends stories on my regular profile. 

What camera do you use to take your photos, and how do you edit them?

I only use my mobile, which in the beginning was Samsung Galaxy, and now I have Huawei nova mini 5t. Since nature photography is my first passion, I kinda skilled my eye there prior to focusing it on my self-portraits. In the very beginning of it, some 4-5 years ago, I may have emulated some poses that I could have only dreamed of in my earlier years and grew stronger with my own vision of self. I loved that newfound tenderness, and dreaminess from within, considering how insecure I was about it. Never really considered myself all that feminine and gentle and never felt comfortable with compliments of that sort, so photographing myself through various gestures and situations started to present all marvellous facets of me. I’m absolutely high on life, and incorporating my huge love and admiration towards nature’s moments brought me to perfecting my captures with respect to lighting because the ambience is what I care the most to present well; therefore, only occasionally do I use Snapseed application to tweak the images. 

In addition to your photos, I can see you have been captured by some incredible artists; how did that happen?

Just before starting my Ciaobella profile here, a few months prior, through that local sensual page where I contributed images, I became a muse to a wonderful artist that I call a dear friend by now. Was so lucky to have such an amazing understanding, respect, and humour from the start, that set some guidelines for other possible future collaborations, and boy, did they pour in…! When I started posting his works, the other artists started to inquire too, but many happened spontaneously; just sending me a dm was an utter delight. And those I value the most when the inspiration is THAT strong, and of an image that doesn’t require to be censored, which kinda translates to me the overall impression of the successfully brought emotion of my post. I am not a model; therefore, those spontaneous bursts of artwork I really appreciate the most, which basically defined the way I collaborate here. I never choose or ask; only upon a decisive artist’s desire to draw certain images does all happen. It took a while to reaffirm that, due to many enquiries and ‘ooh, could you possibly do this/that.. send me your favourite.. I want what nobody else drew… etc, that found me in Abbeys of too much energy wasted, so only when they are decisive in a certain image is a go, and of course, perfect manner of communication and respect that preceded. 

Going through your Instagram feed, you have some powerful photos. where do you find your inspiration for your photos?

I’m mostly inspired by natural light effects. Living in a peaceful natural environment, I am most fascinated by sunrises, sunsets and other various glorious nature appearances that I grew to incorporate here. Such a sincere connection and surrender with nature really heightens my sensuality, so I gladly drop anything I do to capture it, myself in it preferably.

Also, I cherish my spontaneity, which carries me through some amazing frames when feeling so passionate about certain mundane moments in daily activities that by artistically capturing it, I feel like sending message ‘magic is exactly in those mundane daily activities when you chose to see them, feel them, be fully present in them, and moment by moment you realize how you can be a master of your own reality, create it to your own liking and see how it opens up new horizons. 

I see you take photos outdoors, are you ever worried someone might walk past?  

Yes, there is always a concern if someone will pass by, but in small measure generally since I live on a small island. My sunrise moments I capture very early when no one is awake but true, I am on high alert for a random fisherman or a dog walker. 

Can you tell me the most embarrassing thing that has happened while you have been doing a self-portrait shoot?

My most embarrassing moment was when my daughter burst into my room while I was shooting on the bed, but I rapidly covered up and managed to answer her inquiry. She was unphased, but I was pretty stirred.

If you could plan your ideal self-portrait photoshoot without any restrictions, what would it be, and what message would you want to tell? 

My ideal photo session… I never think of it because I feel this is my own thing. I cannot possibly imagine a photographer telling me, ‘move here-move there, lift up your left arm, bend your right leg, hold this, pull that..’ I’m not thinking ever of it. I strongly feel of deriving my own creativity from within through my own lens, both physically and mentally, in the surroundings given. 

Funny, because really many photographers approached me for collaboration, but I got out of all due to my location. 

Is there a message you would like to say that your photos cannot?

A message that I like to send through my photos is generally in a sensual aspect is CARPE DIEM; I am so high on life, appreciating all the little things that add up to those 24 hours given. I am not some high-strung ‘be positive! Be positive!’ nerd, but someone that always sees something good in everything. That’s the difference. I am expressing my self-love, appreciation and acceptance that I lacked a few years back, and through it revelling in those little mosaics of life along the way. To my knowledge from the majority of my active followers, it is visible and tangible 

Do you have goals that you want to achieve in the next 2 years? 

Uuh, not losing my sleep over something 2 years from now; I feel we are greatly missing out on NOW imagining what we’d like in the future. I’m trying to be fully present in NOW, explore all that I have and am, and work on that consistency of authenticity, which will lead me eventually somewhere magnificent.