Heavenly Contradiction

I see you are a model, artist and photographer. Which one did you do first, and how did it lead to the final one?

In addition to the above “titles” that I have received from you, I am initially a mother of 2 beautiful children. In addition, at the moment, I have been employed for an average of 3 days a week as an activity supervisor on a daytime activity in a residential facility for people with mental and/or physical disabilities.

In addition, I started my own creative venture under the name colorfulheart in January 2022 after a break of several months in my workinglife. My formal job where i was working in for almost 20 years was no longer a place of joy neather opportunity to grow, so I resigned.

I found that terrifying because no job, no income and no prospect of something new. With budget cuts and my husband’s income, we all managed to make it.

During that period, I also started to pick up my painting again, I always did that, being creative but never thought I was good enough to achieve something.

The periods in my life I did not paint or create were not the happiest. It was only after the darkest period, about five years ago, that I fully understood how my creative powers affected my life and what it did to me mentally if I ignored this part of me.

I was actually ignoring a very large part of myself.

So coming back to your question, I initially feel like an artist with consequent expressions of my creativity in photography which in turn has attracted the attention of photographers who want to work with me on the basis of shared creativity. I still find the word model difficult, and it is difficult to get used to it. Maybe because I don’t have the most common sizes and never saw myself this way.

To keep my inner goddess fiery and pleased, I started taking erotic pictures of myself, first, my account was anonymous, without placing a face. Gradually I started to feel freer, and I dared to show myself more. More than a year later, I feel good and free with my account. Many people don’t really understand what I want to convey with my account, I’ll leave it that way, that’s fine. The great thing is that I do it for myself in the first instance and document my own development process, so to speak. A kind of visual diary of my life, with my sexuality as the common thread. 

Because sexuality has played a major role in my life the past year, as if something has reawakened in me again that has seen the light of day for years or actually never come out. I also feel very strongly about the oppression of women who have played a role for years, even centuries. The compulsion in which women have been squeezed in a male-dominated world if you take the current situation in Iran is heartbreaking. And you may call me crazy, it will be my worst, I also feel the collective trauma of previous generations very strongly.

I sometimes jokingly say to my husband, “they will drag me to the insane asylum in a minute”. I found out that they did that not so long ago with fairly “free-spirited women” like me, after all, the pyre was banned. That was no longer an option, so something else was devised to control empowered, too-independent, too-free women. You were simply declared insane or hysterical, you often couldn’t get out, provided you had well-to-do men in your circle of acquaintances. 

Then there was the “concept” of housewife, sort of promoted as the walhalla

Well, I don’t want to go too far on this matter but I think something about that, lets keep it on that

Today we still carry that yoke with us; I feel it, don’t ask me how. But we’re really not there yet.

With my account,,,, I want to show that things can be done differently, including the view on women and their sexuality. Not cheap, not vulgar, but sacred and healing. Connecting and respecting to each other. I have somewhat outgrown the concept of monogamy, and it sounds increasingly strange to me. Monogamy is mainly “created” by religion and their ideas, again something to curb the free woman.

I know now that love comes in many forms and shapes end that its up to each and every individual to deciede how they want to spread that love.

Call it freedom of spirit or whatever you want; people like to place you in a box… Let’s call this one the box of pandora box and once it’s open, it’s open

I have made love my greater good and its running thru my veins now, leaving a little bit wherever I go in whatever I do. Love is life

What made you start your Instagram page? Was it your art?

So after I stopped working last year and stopped taking antidepressants, something happened to me, something inexplicable still but so beautiful and so liberating. I call it my spiritual kundalini awakening.

There was a true volcanic eruption inside me, so much fire, so much heat, so much energy…..I almost exploded inside. The proverbial cork was off the bottle and a current started that I cherish and keep flowing to this day. I do that through my Instagram account, my (mainly) erotic art that I make, my erotic photography and selfies that I post and also my erotic writing.

Where do you find your inspiration for your artwork?

Nowadays I find my inspiration for my art everywhere, since I am open to what comes to me I see inspiration in everything. It could have been in a dream, through a conversation with someone, an image that touches me, everything in the world around me. To feed this I often need nature to recharge, walk, be close to the sea, the water. I prefer to swim in all seasons, no matter how cold it is. What happens to you when you go into ice cold water is amazing, it has helped me get over many fears. If I thought I couldn’t do something… it taught me to breathe through it and not to run away. Just being with it is so beautiful to discover that I had that in me.

Great examples for me in terms of art are Salvador Dali, Louis Royo, Sorayama, The art of Olivia and my father. He also paints, with oil paint and lately I find myself more and more like him than I thought. We don’t live next door to each other, but funnily enough, our art always shows similarities. For example, I am working on a work in which Atlantis plays a role and in his own way he is busy painting “the drowned village” near Zonnemaire. We were also once at the same time painting a gate, a kind of portal and water. Subconsciously there is a line between us that goes beyond what is visible to the eye.

Do you think social media sites restrict content creators or make them more creative in finding different ways to express themselves?

Instagram is my only social media account, for now, I think it’s a pleasant medium to work in and with. The biggest disadvantage I think is the censorship regarding nudity/nudity. Many times I have received a warning for posting a photo in which I showed my femininity, not even a nipple visible. With the warning that it is against the guidelines to prostitute yourself or to ban sexually suggestive images.

I find the prudishness terrible and it is a thorn in my side, it certainly does not make me more creative. Who gets more creative from restrictions?

In my view, it also has an adverse effect on the view of sexuality. Reducing a woman’s breast to a sex object is what you achieve with it if you ask me. We forget that I raised my 2 children with it, but for the sake of convenience, that double standard also comes into play with women. A male nipple is no problem, quite special!

Being a model, photographer and artist all rolled into one, do you think it has helped your career in any way?

As a model, photographer and artist in one (still need to get used to all those titles) it has helped me in the sense that I have started to believe in myself and have faith in myself. I am not consciously engaged in my career, but I do work on something, step by step and I am open to what presents itself and what feels right for me.

If I hear a convincing yes to a proposal or idea, I will go along with it (just like this interview). If my gut feeling or gut feeling says no, or then it’s not meant for me, it took a while before I could distinguish that from each other and dared to say no. Has been quite a process.

Which camera do you use to take photos, and which software to edit?

The selfies you see on my account I just take with my Samsung phone and edit with photo collage, via insta filters or just with the program of my phone, nothing special really, often play a bit and see how it turns out.

And then I have the photos that are in collaboration with photographers, I always mention them in my post or story. I have built up a nice relationship with most of them and I have good contact. They have all (unconsciously) helped me during my transformation process and I am very grateful to them for that.

How do you see modelling changing in the future?

How I see modeling in the future depends on which photographers want to work with me. I am not actively looking for photographers, it comes my way. I see that with every new photo shoot I grow and know better and better what I want and can do. I will definitely not do a photo shoot in which I could not express my creativity. A photo shoot costs me quite a lot of time and energy, in addition to my family, household, paid job and my own business. Then I have not even included the costs of clothing, lingerie and petrol costs. I want to be 100 percent behind my choice to say yes.

In that sense I have become more selective and contact with a photographer has become more important, I have a certain vision with which I stand in life and if a photographer is not on the same frequency then we are actually wasting each other’s time. In any case, it doesn’t do the photo any good

What advice would you give someone who wants to start modelling?

Gosh I’m not into giving advice to starting models I don’t feel that skilled that I can hold that position. I do want to pass on to everyone who wants to hear that everyone is beautiful in his or her way. I have been deeply unhappy with my weight for years and could not look at my body, I detested it and wanted to be slim. When I finally reached that one goal weight and was slim, I have never felt so unhappy mentally. 

I had played myself to the bone, literally and figuratively, and had developed a disturbed relationship with food.

Since I threw the scale out of the house and no longer dieting or doing other nonsensical things to lose weight, things are going great. I finally love myself for who I am and feel a deep satisfaction. 

In the modeling world it is very heavy in terms of weight and slim, slimmer, slimmest is the norm and that is just not healthy but also not representative of the majority of women. That sometimes makes me sad, especially when I look at my growing daughter.

The bit of abuse in the modeling world is also lurking. I have already received quite a few special requests in my dm on insta, I can handle them well. If you are young and not yet so firmly in your shoes, it can be quite a task, to guard your limits and not end up in the wrong hands. I’ve heard harrowing stories, you don’t wish that on anyone.

What would it be and why if you could plan the perfect session? Also, would you be the model or photographer/artist?

The perfect session for me would be an over the top shoot entitled “let them eat cake” entirely with dress, wig, entourage in the style of Marie-Antoinette. I love corsets, big ball gowns, gold and glitter. A little Victorian, a little Baroque, a little bit of everything. That someone really puts you in make-up and that everything is taken care of down to the last detail. Seems fantastic to me.

I have a thing for days gone by, there is a kind of romance and timelessness about it. I think society is moving too fast now, I don’t feel quite at home there. I look at the pressure and hectic of ever more, bigger and better with sorrow. It is not good for us and our growing children. 

I would like to be the model in this setting, the model portraying the artist.

Do you have any goals you want to achieve in the next two years?

There are a number of goals that I have set for myself in this life, whether I can achieve them in two years I doubt very much but that’s okay. I’m not in a hurry.

My biggest goal/dream is to be able to work for myself from my own studio with natural daylight. Preferably in a natural environment.

Another goal of mine is to train as an art therapist where I can support people in their request for help through art. Art is so incredibly healing, being creative, from your head into your hands. My art has saved me from my darkest days. In my work I also followed the VTS (visual thinking strategy) training and experienced how you can let people with brain injury, Alzheimer’s etc experience art in a very special way. 

My other big goal is to write a book. Sometimes so many words want to find their way out. I started writing them down in poems, short stories and I had already started a number of chapters. 

Until last year suddenly that erotic edge wanted to go out and my life was a bit about that and many other things on the back burner. My words often form in my head in English too, very special. This came about at the same time as my kundalini awakening, as if so many things have fallen into place and become clear since then.

It’s so nice to now live according to my soul destiny so to speak and for the first time in my life I don’t care what other people think about it.

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